Wednesday, February 29, 2012

For Private Party Only

This entry is going to be a little different from the previous ones because I do not have any idea where this is going to end. I don't mean distance wise, my last comment elicited a comment about its length so I plan on avoiding that, if I can. No, what I mean is I don't where this one is going because I have yet to figure it out. As I often do, in formats outside of this blog, I write about my issues and usually that helps me realize a solution. I am hoping for this. 

The picture won't need explaining once you continue through this entry.

My lack of privacy has often shocked individuals into discomfort. Some others think my transparency is admirable. I am a firm believer in being open and I am not afraid to tell anyone anything; in terms of being embarrassed by it. I will withhold information if it's going to harm me relationship wise or professionally, but never because I'm ashamed of it(Ding-Ding-Ding! I already feel more comfortable about the issue).

The problem I was referring to is the privacy of my co-worker. But she is more than that, because we are the only two in our office doing the same thing. So really, she's more of a partner than a coworker What started as a strong friendship, full of questions about personal life,opinions on work issues and venting about other people in our program has devolved into a very closed relationship with very minimal interaction. It is hard to make me uncomfortable, I have even believed it to be near impossible, but that has changed.

My partner, for whatever reason, started clamming up. It was minimal at first, deflecting questions about her personal life and such. That didn't bother me; that is her right( well all of this is, but it can become detrimental). But it started involving work as well, which bothered me a little more. If my partner is having work-related issues, I feel that it is important for me to know. I need to know where she stands because it directly affects what I do. She's closing off and leaving me feeling independent, completely separate from her. Now that's not always the case, when a task presents itself that requires both of us, she seamlessly collaborates. However, she often doesn't talk about it once it's finished. And if the task only concerns her, she definitely does not open up and share, leaving me completely in the dark.

Initially, out of respect to her, I was able to dismiss it as extreme privacy(picture). But it has gotten so bad that it is difficult to ignore. We sit a mere 6 or so feet from each other but talk for no more than 5 minutes in a 7 hour day. It's nearly unbearable for me, being a person who thrives on interaction and transparency. I really don't know what's wrong still, but I think I have found a possible way to cope with it.

People, well the rational ones, do everything for a reason. If you know me well, then that does not coincide whatsoever with my beliefs on religion, so I do not mean that in a fateful sense. I, despite the atrocities we as a species commit hourly, am a firm believer in the morality and good will of humans. I cannot deny there are misguided people who do not operate under that belief, but I believe she is one of the good ones. I must believe(blindly again) that she is quiet for a reason. I have suspicions on this reason, like she may be leaving for a new job, but it's not really important to know what it is exactly. I just want to know that one is there, and almost in a  way comparable to spirituality, I am simply choosing to believe.

This may serve as no consolation to you, unfortunately. I believe I have mentioned before human's never-wavering need to know. The phrase only refers to cats so only as to not scare children, but curiosity killed the man and woman. It is easy to obsess over why things are the way they are or why people do the things they do. If you're pondering why someone did something bad, then the curiosity might be a little stronger. But if it's something you can live without (like my partner's transparency) I will have to squelch the curiosity and accept her decision to be private. It's either that or speculate on her sanity, and that's not fair to her.

So if you can take anything from this, know the person with whom you are dealing. If they are a rational human-being, they are likely acting from a logical conclusion. If you have asked several times what it is they are doing, and it's someone who usually tells you but this time isn't, there probably is a reason for that. Try accepting it next time, and I bet the answer comes faster when you aren't obsessing over it. It's either that or your relationship will slowly perish from lack of interaction, but it's probably the first.

Okay this one is only 892 words, as opposed to the 1900-some in the last one. Hope that's better. Let me know, as I believe I opened this up to comments now that I discovered it wasn't before.

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