What Are Brothers For?

This doesn't exactly represent my brother and myself entirely well, but it captures the idea of one of the answers to my titular question.

I cannot speak for every set of brothers out there, so this may not all stand true for them, but I will try my best to explain what it is to have a brother. Frankly, it's unlike anything else. I have never believed in compatibility derived simply from blood relation, but there is something between my brother and I, who have very little in common, that makes our relationship stronger than any other I have. I do not miss anybody when I go somewhere, anyone except my brother. I will try to give you some answers to my question through anecdotes and then I will probably just make a list of others that I don't want to elaborate on or can't but imagine them to be a role for a brother.

Here are a few stories:

This first one is a retelling through pieces of stories from family members, as I can barely remember this.

Story 1

When I was 14, he was 12, we went to Myrtle Beach for the third time in our lives, second time we could remember. My brother, if you don't know him, was a very hyper child and at times could influence me to be the same way. However, at 14, I was determined to be mature and facilitate between the adults and the kids. Because you know, 14 is time to stop being a kid. But anyway, as usual, my brother was being his rambunctious self and it seemed to have been getting on the nerves of the adults. These adults will try to use other language to describe that, but that's the best way to do so. 

Multiple times we were sat down by our family members and told to calm down, these words moreso for him and pleading me to calm him down myself. One time, when apparently I recognized it as being the last straw for my brother and the frustration was palpable among the adults, I suppose I decided to take things in to my own hands. I grabbed him and told him we should go down to the beach, unthreateningly so, and he followed. We walked past my uncle who was reading on the porch and I can imagine from his point of view watching me as I pushed an unsuspecting lamb into my trap. We walked down the steps and once at the bottom, I imagine I started verbalizing how he needed to stop. Knowing how these interactions typically went, he probably wasn't listening, so I resorted to another method. Here is where my sensory memory gives me some brief flashes.

I remember hitting him first with those foam noodles you use to float in water and eventually pinning his face in the sand and rubbing it into the earth. That's the most I remember clearly, but I imagine I made extreme threats through gritted teeth as he angrily pleaded me to get off of him. Once I was satisfied that my point was made, I walked up the steps without a glance at my uncle and he told him to sit down to chat. 

It is said my brother behaved pretty well the rest of the trip.

Story 2

Once I went to the University of Cincinnati for a visit, it was never a doubt that I would attend college there. And so it happened. It was an easier decision than expected, but the hardest part was leaving my brother. And since I was gone so often, when I came home it was easier to get along. Now my parents will say it never changed, because we still bickered plenty, but that's brotherhood. Only him and I can tell you we truly got along better, and we did.

I can't remember the exact weekend or time I came home to visit, but I think it was right before we knew we wouldn't see each other for a while, so I want to say it was right before he left for the Air Force. Nobody was home and we were silently dreading my going to Cincinnati, which was coming soon. As time ticked down and I knew I couldn't drag it out any longer, I started to head out. We hugged as usual, no tears or anything girly like that, but to ease the pain, we started joking. 

I remember walking down the steps in our garage and for whatever reason, rap music videos became the topic. More specifically, random white guys dancing horribly in the background was the topic. I was at the bottom of the steps, slowly walking away as he demonstrated the moves, which consisted of simultaneous yet out-of-sync pelvic thrusts, headbangs, punching fists and an accompanying, overly loud "WOOOOO!!!!" As he did it I laughed, and in turn mimicked him, resulting in his laugh. We went back and forth for a little until we were both literally doubled over, laughing to hysterical tears. I slowly made my way to the car, through fits of literally painful laughter, and got in and drove off with a wave. 

Before I got to the end of the street, the grandparent-disapproved activity of texting while driving commenced (I'm including it because it's the cutest part). The conversation went something like this.

Me: That was soooo dumb

Him: Yeah but frickin hilarious

Me: Haha true, oh well.

Him: I'll miss you man

Me: We'll see each other soon. But I'll miss you too.

 Story 3:

If you don't want to know the insane thoughts that go through people's minds, then don't read this one. If you have had thoughts that you thought made you insane, but have never admitted it, then you are not alone. This can be disturbing if you stifle those thoughts or ignore them, but I think it's part of what makes us human, so I'm going to be completely transparent, as usual, and share them.

My brother was in basic training in Wichita Falls, starting the second phase of his enlistment after basic training. I was in Cincinnati, starting my senior year of classes. To communicate, we used Skype. He called me one day, and he was deeply disturbed.

I could see the hesitation in his pixelated face, and asked him what was up. 

"I think I'm going crazy man," he said in a scared tone.

I replied with a simple "why," deciding to let him just be honest.

"I don't know how else to put this but I'm going to be forward." I thought he knocked someone up at this point, but he continued and I learned something entirely different.

"We've been at the shooting range this week, and some weird thoughts have gone through my head." Again he hesitated, and I prodded him further.

"I pictured myself turning to the side and just shooting everyone in my batallion." His voice cracked here, then he asked what he dreaded. 

"Does that make me crazy?"

I laughed and told him "no,"and I followed with my own "demented" visualizations.

"Junior year I had a Spanish Culture class and I sat behind this beautiful girl from the Eastern-African country of Eritrea. Where she came from gave her the most beautiful complexion and some days she would wear her hair up, exposing her neck. Whenever she did this, I would look at her neck, and imagine myself taking my pen and jamming it into there, or taking my pocket knife and pulling her head back and cutting her throat (His eyes widened here too, so it's having the same effect on you). I then pictured myself sprinting out of the classroom, bowling over anyone who stepped in my way, running to the ATM and withdrawing everything I had, running to my car and taking off in some direction, only to be caught immediately, stepping out my car and acting as though I had a gun in my back pocket, aggressively grabbing for it and going down in a blaze of gunfire like Sonny from the Godfather."

His jaw was dropped. 

"You think you're crazy? You're not crazy at all, that's a normal thought we humans have when we know we have power. You're only crazy if you act out those fantasies."

"Holy shit, dude. Thanks."

(Don't think of me differently, I guarantee this has happened to most of you)

These are just a few of the stories that cover what has happened between us. For those of you with brothers, or sisters even, these might ring home. If not, maybe the following list will contain some of the roles or ideas you have of a sibling.

 

Wingman, placing blame, accepting blame, forgiveness, inspiration, fun, comic relief, inside jokes, telling stories, shared growth, vent, a second opinion, a punching bag(literally and figuratively), subject of a narrative, making plans, empathizing, sympathizing, guinea pig-ing, emotional support, infallible physical support(you hit whoever hits your brother, no matter how big) taking out frustrations, pushing buttons, understanding a broken heart, whatever you need.

Specifically, this one is for my brother and all other brothers who love their brothers like we love each other. That bond is unbreakable.

What makes a person?

Literally, I guess it's this kind of stuff. If I remember more from my biology classes, I probably could have come up with something better, but this is a start.

Obviously, this is not the question my title is asking. It's more figurative, as in how do we determine what makes a person good/bad, smart/dumb, promising/failing, etc. Or, what do we use to judge a person versus what actually makes them inherently good or bad.

This is impossible to answer completely, because each of our opinions concerning inherent goodness will be different, but I will proceed using mine, or rather my idea, because this is hard to define.

A couple days ago I got a call from a friend saying that he narrowly missed disaster because a local kid was found in their driveway by cops, tripping on drugs, and claiming people in the house had beat them up. Because of his state and the fact that nobody was home, my friend suffered no consequences. It wasn't until a couple days later I realized the boy tripping was somebody we knew, a kid who was a few years below me in our high school.

I never hung out with the kid then, or really ever. I remember taking woodworking with him and thought he was a nice, funny kid and we got along. We saw each other occasionally each summer, playing poker or at parties, and he always seemed really happy to see me and always greeted me with a handshake or whatever. Because I didn't know him very well and he did this, I always liked him. He was always happy, always ready to have a good time, and always happy to see an old face. He did a lot of other things I didn't know about, I am sure, but this was enough for me to think that this kid was inherently good. Not many people can be as friendly as he was, which is why the news about him has upset so many people.

He was the one tripping in my friend's driveway(on bath salts, and admittedly foolish drug to mess with) and is now in a coma. As with any coma, it's serious. I've seen on Facebook people offering their condolences and saying prayers and such, but the few people I've talked to privately have said the same thing: "I hope he does well, but he is an idiot for putting himself in that situation," or something to that effect.

Can I argue with that? Sure, I probably could, but really bath salts aren't something to mess with. Was he dumb for taking them? Well not exactly, it was a bad decision. I make bad decisions often but I don't think I am dumb. Was he setting himself up for this situation, one where things had to get so bad for him to possibly see what he needs to change? That's possible. Is he a bad guy? I don't think so.

Are decisions what make a person? Absolutely not, but in this case, I think that's what people will see. I think a lot of those people praying for him are probably also thinking that he is a stupid person or maybe even a bad guy. I know that likely none of them wish ill on him, but I bet they can't help but be mad at him or judge him. I don't blame them for that either, but I don't think they should.

One, the kid has been in a tough spot. He always was experimenting with drugs, but as far as I know, it was never anything too serious. That was until his dad died over a year ago and then things got worse. He probably got started and never could stop. It was probably a way to ease his pain and it was impossible to control. I don't think this is an excuse, but I think it's a contributor.

The other reason I don't think he should be judged is because of what I said about him before. I think he is an inherently good guy who took a bad path. He made bad decisions that led to bad outcomes, but we all do that, and only we would know how it feels when we are in that situation. If he is conscious, I bet he just wants people to know he knows he messed up, and right now he is unable too. We can't judge him for this decision, because it does not make him who he is.

But that's what happens. People make a decision and often live their lives being defined by it. If he pulls out of the coma, he may continue to just float by and do nothing, being the kid from my high school who once went into a coma from taking bath salts. If he doesn't pull out, he will be the kid who died using bath salts. 

What if he pulls out and changes, and becomes a spokesperson for anti-drug campaigns. Or he decides life is too short and goes to college? Then he becomes the kid who had a rough past that turned things around. Notice the exemption of "bath salts" in that title. And that really is what can happen. Nobody will ever acknowledge that the kid is naturally a good kid if he either dies or continues down the same path. And if he pulls out and turns his life around, he will be praised. What's the difference here? A decision, and I think that's unfair.

Sure, it's wonderful to see someone learn from their mistakes, in fact that's what the difference between stupidity and intelligence is. But a decision does not make a person, it's a mere step in a timeline. When you leave this earth, do you want to be summed up by a series of anecdotes or milestones? Probably not. I know I want my eulogy to be filled with comments on who I was as a man, what I was like to be around, how I helped others, how much some people loved me. Not where I graduated from, not what jobs I held or where I lived, not the mistakes I made and how I learned from them. Yes, these contribute to who we are and put us in situations that can change us as people, but they should never define us. 

So before judging someone(which I don't think should really be done at all, but if it weren't, we wouldn't be human) think about your criteria. Do you want to be known for your mistakes, or for who you were?

Thank You for Thanking Me

Who or what do you think they're bowing to? A painting of Jesus, a preacher, a crucifix? Any of those answers is completely normal. What if they were just bowing to a normal person? For me, that would change a lot. Well that's what I feel like I am a part of with my job, and this is what a lot of people are asking for.

As with a lot of my pictures, this is an exaggeration. The people in my organization where I work do not expect people to literally bow down at their feet and praise. No, that would be ridiculous. Especially because this is our job, to help others, so when we do our job we shouldn't expect to be praised or even thanked, right? In fact, we're getting paid to do what we do, so really there shouldn't be much acknowledgment at all, or at least not an expectation of it.

Yet as my tenure slowly grows, the vibe I get from this place is not at all what I would expect from somewhere with an intent to help, to make a difference. Ideally, I think we should all should just continue helping because it's what we love to do, and if it's not, then you shouldn't be a part of the job. 

(I can't go into to much detail, for risk of offending someone who may be involved with this)

But a dentist doesn't wish to be praised after pulling a wisdom tooth does he? A truck driver doesn't get praised for making a timely delivery. A police officer definitely doesn't get praised after writing a parking  ticket. And it's all because this is their JOB. Way to go, you did what you were supposed to. I stopped getting congratulated for that when I became a teenager. So why do the people in my job constantly need to be reminded at what they do is so wonderful?

Look, I know that my job is more admirable on the surface level than most. "We dedicate our lives to helping others as opposed to just helping ourselves." We help the youth of the area get better opportunities then they might have without our help. That's fantastic in itself, but you know what equals it out? The fact that we get a paycheck. And you know what would happen to those that stopped helping the youth of the area get better opportunities? They'd stop getting that paycheck. It's a regular job... Duh.

But every time I meet with the other employees of my organization, we take time to go over anecdotes from our work that are "exceptional." I think the idea on the surface is to inspire the other employees to try to do something similar, to draw from that story and help another student. But it doesn't seem like that. Whenever the story is finished, you hear approving comments that seem to say things like "wow, it's amazing what we can do here," or "man, if it weren't for us, that kid wouldn't be anywhere." The anecdote, which should be a celebration of the accomplishments of the student revolve into compliments to ourselves. And I will say it again. It's our JOOOOOBBBBBB...

When all of those are shared by individuals, there is usually a wrap up from a higher-up in the company that nearly always is a reminder of how amazing it is the things we do. There are comments about how wonderful the work we do is, how much of a difference we make, how selfless we all are... Blah blah blah... 

I don't mean to tear apart what we do. I will admit that it is true that a lot of the things students accomplish in this area likely wouldn't have happened without being directed by someone in our program. But again, we get paid to guide them, so why are we so special? We aren't.

The attitude taken in this job needs to be the same attitude taken with any job. This is what I get paid to do, so that's what I am going to do. Sure, it's nice to be complimented from time to time, to be recognized for a significant accomplishment, but it seems that someone has to get praised every time a student does something right. It's sick, and it's worse than being praised in any other job, and here is why.

Our goal and our mission is to help others. Let's ignore the fact that we get paid for now and just keep in mind what it is that we do. We help others. If you get into this job to do that, then you should be happy enough when a kid gets a 3.0 GPA for the first time or gets into a 4-year college. You helped someone else. That was wonderful, it really is, but that's all the further it needs to go. If you get a compliment or a thanks from the student, that's a bonus. But it seems that a lot of the people in my organization feel slighted when someone doesn't tell them they made a difference. Well, then maybe you're not in for the cause as much as you thought you were because making the difference is all that matters, not being recognized for it.

This one reads a lot more like a rant that previous ones, and it pretty much is (it's also much angrier than the others), but I still do have a message. For those of you that are ever in the position to help others, or want to go into a service like this, or want to join a volunteer organization, go in without expectations of being recognized. I say this because if your goal is to help others and then you want to be congratulated for it, then you weren't being as selfless as you thought. The "helping others" part gets tainted because you were also seeking to help yourself in some way. It may get frustrating as time passes and you don't get many thanks or congratulations, but I can tell you what makes that all easier. Whenever you get used to not being recognized, whenever you lose that expectation entirely, someone will thank you for making a difference, a genuine appreciation for your work, and it will floor you. Being thanked for something you didn't realize you did is so much more powerful than waiting for one and getting it.

Stick to the Plan...

What the hell is a "plan" anyway? What we view it as in today's culture makes it either a very positive or a very negative thing. If you stick to the plan and complete it, then it's a great success. If you don't stick to the plan, then you have failed to execute this masterful plan that you have mapped out for yourself, deeming yourself incompetent. It's not necessarily always this way, but I think that's how people often view the directions a plan can take.

However, I think there are two sides to each of those previously mentioned two sides, and they are as follows:

The first side, the one where you stuck to the plan and executed it, accomplishing a goal. On the surface, this seemingly is completely a good thing. You were determined enough to execute something you believed beneficial to yourself(not counting heist/murder schemes) and the fact that you did it says a lot about your ability to follow through. While this is mostly true, what expense did accomplishing this task cost you? 

Let's take an example directly from my job. A student graduating high school is ready to go to college, say into Nursing, and after graduation plan on becoming a nurse. There is nothing wrong with becoming a nurse whatsoever, however I do have a problem with the plan. That is at least 4 years of your life, some of the more important years of a person's like in my opinion, and if you do accomplish this, what did you ignore along the way. What if the student took a psychology class freshman year and really liked it, considered maybe switching, but chose not to because of fear of venturing from their plan? What if that student would have thrived more in that major? They may never know because they stuck to their plan.

And now the other side, the one where you failed to achieve the goal in your plan. Why exactly is that so bad? This goes hand in hand with the first one, so I won't give another example, but say someone bails on their plan because they discovered something that felt better than what they were going for in their plan? Is that a failure? Or rather should they be commended for having the courage to stray from their original, perhaps ambitious goal, to chase what it is that they really want? 

So now the two sides to having a plan become four, and suddenly it's not so black and white. The gray area, in fact, suddenly becomes really appealing, like maybe your favorite color(I like cerulean). 

This blog stems from a combination of conversations I have had in the past week. The first was with my grandpa, who with my grandma was making a very pleasant visit with me and as always, asked what it was that I was doing. I listed off 5 years of ambitious plans that would put me on a pretty admirable track and when I finished, they both were so excited to hear these plans. But before their eyes got too big, I assured them that it was a loose outline of what I could do. Because my college career followed many twists and turns, facing many different forks in the road, leading me to not leave with a degree in Pharmacy like I started but rather one in Communication. Can you think of two more different majors? But those four years taught me something: to never stick by a plan because it's a "plan." So when their eyes got big at my plan, I assured them that things could change in 6 months if I met a girl and fell in love with her. Or maybe when I get to Spain I start working in a restaurant and realize a passion for cooking and decide to start cooking there. Or I might get in the Peace Corps and realize that is my life's calling. Who knows? I sure as hell don't. So to pretend that those 5 years will go exactly as I say is beyond foolish, and detrimental to me because I may miss out on something really spectacular.

The second conversation comes from a case worker who has been working in my school a lot recently. This one has less to do with a plan but more how to handle one. Upon hearing of my lack of spirituality, which she was open to, made me promise to be open to spirituality if the feeling were to strike me. This was not news to me, I am wide open to it, but she reiterated what I told my grandpa, to be open to changes when they come. Where I am at not, in terms of my spirituality, is very far from being religious. I don't dislike religion or anything like, but where I am at now is a place completely devoid of it. I am currently a pretty staunch pragmatist, but the cool thing about that is being pragmatic about the nature of humans. We tend to change on a whim, believe it or not. So if I somehow survive an incredible near death experience or lose someone very close to me, I know it's very possible I may seek spiritual comfort. And because of the sermon I am currently preaching(intended), I will be open to the change if it feels right.

So, to conclude, I don't want you to place such high value on a "plan." I think it's good to have one, to give yourself some sense of direction, because aimless awaiting of some serendipitous discovery usually doesn't pan out. But don't think you're a failure for having failed to meet a plan. In that case, you have only failed an idea. But if you complete the plan, you may have failed yourself. That is, making yourself happy. And really, there are few things more important than that.

Oh yeah, if you haven't made the connection to the picture, don't feel pressure to make up your mind, especially in regards to your future. Give yourself a loose idea, but creating pressure on myself to choose between Pharmacy and Communication would have likely made things much more difficult. Instead, I did what felt right when the feeling struck me. Then again, I may be unique in not feeling this pressure, but I think everyone can, if they just try it.

1,071 words

For Private Party Only

This entry is going to be a little different from the previous ones because I do not have any idea where this is going to end. I don't mean distance wise, my last comment elicited a comment about its length so I plan on avoiding that, if I can. No, what I mean is I don't where this one is going because I have yet to figure it out. As I often do, in formats outside of this blog, I write about my issues and usually that helps me realize a solution. I am hoping for this. 

The picture won't need explaining once you continue through this entry.

My lack of privacy has often shocked individuals into discomfort. Some others think my transparency is admirable. I am a firm believer in being open and I am not afraid to tell anyone anything; in terms of being embarrassed by it. I will withhold information if it's going to harm me relationship wise or professionally, but never because I'm ashamed of it(Ding-Ding-Ding! I already feel more comfortable about the issue).

The problem I was referring to is the privacy of my co-worker. But she is more than that, because we are the only two in our office doing the same thing. So really, she's more of a partner than a coworker What started as a strong friendship, full of questions about personal life,opinions on work issues and venting about other people in our program has devolved into a very closed relationship with very minimal interaction. It is hard to make me uncomfortable, I have even believed it to be near impossible, but that has changed.

My partner, for whatever reason, started clamming up. It was minimal at first, deflecting questions about her personal life and such. That didn't bother me; that is her right( well all of this is, but it can become detrimental). But it started involving work as well, which bothered me a little more. If my partner is having work-related issues, I feel that it is important for me to know. I need to know where she stands because it directly affects what I do. She's closing off and leaving me feeling independent, completely separate from her. Now that's not always the case, when a task presents itself that requires both of us, she seamlessly collaborates. However, she often doesn't talk about it once it's finished. And if the task only concerns her, she definitely does not open up and share, leaving me completely in the dark.

Initially, out of respect to her, I was able to dismiss it as extreme privacy(picture). But it has gotten so bad that it is difficult to ignore. We sit a mere 6 or so feet from each other but talk for no more than 5 minutes in a 7 hour day. It's nearly unbearable for me, being a person who thrives on interaction and transparency. I really don't know what's wrong still, but I think I have found a possible way to cope with it.

People, well the rational ones, do everything for a reason. If you know me well, then that does not coincide whatsoever with my beliefs on religion, so I do not mean that in a fateful sense. I, despite the atrocities we as a species commit hourly, am a firm believer in the morality and good will of humans. I cannot deny there are misguided people who do not operate under that belief, but I believe she is one of the good ones. I must believe(blindly again) that she is quiet for a reason. I have suspicions on this reason, like she may be leaving for a new job, but it's not really important to know what it is exactly. I just want to know that one is there, and almost in a  way comparable to spirituality, I am simply choosing to believe.

This may serve as no consolation to you, unfortunately. I believe I have mentioned before human's never-wavering need to know. The phrase only refers to cats so only as to not scare children, but curiosity killed the man and woman. It is easy to obsess over why things are the way they are or why people do the things they do. If you're pondering why someone did something bad, then the curiosity might be a little stronger. But if it's something you can live without (like my partner's transparency) I will have to squelch the curiosity and accept her decision to be private. It's either that or speculate on her sanity, and that's not fair to her.

So if you can take anything from this, know the person with whom you are dealing. If they are a rational human-being, they are likely acting from a logical conclusion. If you have asked several times what it is they are doing, and it's someone who usually tells you but this time isn't, there probably is a reason for that. Try accepting it next time, and I bet the answer comes faster when you aren't obsessing over it. It's either that or your relationship will slowly perish from lack of interaction, but it's probably the first.

Okay this one is only 892 words, as opposed to the 1900-some in the last one. Hope that's better. Let me know, as I believe I opened this up to comments now that I discovered it wasn't before.

With Great Power...

I think it is nearly impossible to define anything. I think that Webster is just a facilitator of communication and we really all have our own definitions of everything based on what we have learned and experienced in our lives. Now we may all point to a dog and recognize it as "dog" but some have a connotation of fear that comes with it, while others may think loyalty, annoyance, burden, or playmate. But for conversation's sake, we don't say "So I saw a guy talking his pet-that-troubles-me-because-I-was-once-bitten-as-a-child-by-one on a walk," we just say "dog."

Now I could go on and on for hours, days even, about language and what it means for individuals, but I won't. Instead, I want to focus on a single word: leadership. The picture above will evoke different feelings from each person who looks at it concerning leadership and we may all try to define it based off one man's use of it. Was he a good leader? Or was he just effective? What makes a leader "a leader?" and so forth. As part of my job, my group discussed these kinds of things and part of the discussion was created from the reading of an excerpt about leadership. It said something to the effect of "the best leader is the one that people hardly know." It then continued to rank types of leaders, the last one being a leader who is despised by his/her followers. So according to that excerpt, I guess Hitler wasn't the best. It continued to say the very best leader is one who has followers, who once they have accomplished their goal, say"Amazing! We did it all by ourselves."

Just like with the dictionary, I don't think this excerpt it law, but it elicited interesting conversation amongst my peers and I want to reflect on it, give my own definition of it, how to become a great leader, or if that is even possible. 

What makes a great leader in my eyes. I think the excerpt was on to something by saying it doesn't require praise for their accomplishments. Let me explain why this resonates with me. I think the foremost key in becoming a good leader is to be passionate about something. I think to become an optimal leader, you must be as invested in attaining your goal as you can possibly be. Only then can your efforts be directed uninhibited towards that goal; something that will resonate with your followers. A true passion will burn like a fire inside you, and while you may be able to contain the flames, you will not be able to stifle the light being emitted. That light will shine on anyone with a similar passion and foster their own flame, which will lead them to create a similar goal in a personal way. Not to use the same example,but Hitler's goal was shared by many, not always through a contagious passion, but often through fear. The excerpt I mentioned before also characterized bad leaders by their use of fear, so I suppose I again agree with it. 

This overlaps a little with my story about Mark Walker, who said you can get paid anything if you do what you love (passion). I think anyone can lead someone else if it is something they love. 

But here's a unique aspect to this topic that makes the whole thing tricky. I'm going to operate on the assumption that the first statement in the excerpt I used is true; that the best leaders are the ones people hardly know and that make people feel like what they accomplished, they did themselves. If that is true, then how do we recognize the best leaders. If I were to ask you, you would probably start listing people that others do: politicians, activists, community organizers, maybe religious leaders. Now while I cannot debate the fact that some of these people are good leaders, it brings up the question "who is better than these?" because obviously people know these ones. It is unlikely that anyone would say that Martin Luther King Jr. wasn't a good leader, but operating under the excerpt, he's not the best. And because humans have this insatiable need to know everything, they'll likely search for a person to fill the role. For most people, that's the quandary with this belief. If we cannot find an answer for who is a better leader than MLK, then there must not be one. 

But get this; if you believe that is the case, then you are forgetting what it takes for the statement from the excerpt to hold true: the best are hardly known. So I guess for the statement to hold true, we as humans must embrace the fact that we may not ever know who the best leaders are. I personally don't think this should be too difficult, considering that blind faith is often the basis for piousness. I don't mean to offend religious people(I truly support their beliefs), but often when I ask why they believe, they say "I just do." And that's enough for them. And that's enough for me too. So it should be in this case. But if it's not, let me give you an example from my life.

I like to think I've turned out to be a pretty good guy. Tell that to my grandma, and she'll laugh at how much of an understatement she considers that. Tell that to some acquaintances with whom I have made bad impressions and they will laugh at how wrong that is. Regardless, I want to be able to discount those bad impressions as just that; impressions. In fact, I'll go as far in saying I'm pretty confident in saying that. This could go many different directions, mainly the nature vs. nurture argument, and that's where I will take it. Assuming I am a good guy, why is that so. What accounts for this over some you may consider bad? Well, when I encountered my first-quarter-life crisis at about 20-21, I sought the answer. For a long time I have been a firm believer in the nurture side of the argument; there's no such thing as a bad kid, that kind of thing. If that's true, then the environment I was raised in will account for why I am the way I am. 

(Disclaimer for my mom: Mom, I have a lot of you in me, everyone knows it, so don't take offense to this next part, but I do believe it is true. I love all four of my parents equally, but fact of the matter is, some of them were around more than others. While this means they have affected me more, it in no way means I love a particular one more than the other)

 

So where was I raised? At my dad's house, but not under his supervision. In my developmental years(3-14 or so) I spent the most face time with my stepmom Terry(or Terriberri as I lovingly call her). She was around for most of the time while I only saw my mom on weekends and my dad later at night. If I choose to believe that environment is the biggest factor in determining who a child becomes, then logically, Terry is the biggest factor in my life. So amidst this crisis, I arrive at this conclusion, and nearly laugh. 

The relationship between Terry and I had been anything but stable for most of my life. I rebelled against at every chance I got, refusing to accept her as a mother and in turn refusing to follow her orders. I hated the way she ran things and "turned my dad against me," I hated how she wanted to be my mom when my biological one was still very much in my life. I hated how I had to do my own laundry and pack my own lunch and check in at home every couple hours if I went out. I even said I hated her, and I think at times I meant it. That's fine though, I've grown since then. And for several years now, probably when I was 16-17, I grew to accept how she ran things(took long enough, right) and we started to get along much better. We still have our arguments, don't get me wrong, but we are more than functional together. 

But when I arrived at that conclusion, it hit me, I think Terry is the biggest factor. That's why I'm so independent, but even more than that- I'm self sufficient. I don't always just do things on my own because I don't like help, I do them because I know I am capable and want to learn. She taught me that. Also, I think this patience comes that I mention in my blog description is another factor I got from her. She put up with some ridiculous things from me(hell, I spat in her shoe when I was about 5). Most girlfriends draw the line there. But Terry didn't. I also have this thing where if you get in my circle, I will love you unconditionally and do anything for you. I believe there are several people in my life that are this way, but I know Terry is, and again, because of the face time, I think I get a major part of that from her.

But how does this tie into my ramblings about leadership? I'll tell you. When I discovered this, I thought how nice it would be for her to hear what she meant to me; that she was the biggest factor in the life of a person many people are proud of(it's not bragging if those compliments come from family), so I resolved to tell her. I remember saying it too: "Terry, I just thought you should know, that you are probably the biggest influence in my life and what I am doing is possible because of the lessons you taught me." Awww.....

You know her reaction? "That's sweet, Jeremy, and I appreciate it, but that's not true. There are lots of other people who have done more."

So, after all of these years of outright hatred and lack of recognition, when I rustle up the most heartfelt, Hallmark-inspired line I could think of, she defers the recognition to others. You're effing kidding me, right? That's a good leader.

So, to return to my claim, that the best leaders are the ones that are hardly known, there is an example. She didn't seek recognition, or even want it. And the second part of it is true too, despite all that I told you. While I think she did influence me, it was me who has accomplished all that I have done. I don't think Terry did everything for me, so it is me saying "Amazing! I did it, all by myself." But I do acknowledge her influence.

What can you take from this one, this long, scatterbrained rant that may lack focus? If you want to be a leader, stop trying to be one. Find your passion and pursue. Hone your skills and don't hide them. Let them be known and let it inspire those with similar goals. You never know, one day your quiet determination to accomplishment a goal or fulfill a passion may result in others doing the same. You wanna know the best part? When several people around you start accomplishing that similar goal and think they did it. That's when you will know you're a good leader.

What Is Love?

Oh Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more. You older folk probably need no introduction, and maybe some of you younger folk don't either, but this picture is from the influential and controversial movie Harold and Maude. The movie is a very quirky comedy about an older woman and a much younger boy(putting today's cougar's to shame) falling in love. I've never seen the movie, but from what I hear, it's an excellent story of true love. 

This post stems from a conversation I had with my dad on his birthday this past Monday. My dad and I talk often, but it usually is without much substance and centers more on housekeeping (car, job, etc). But this time I decided to let him rant and rave a little more and he got on the topic of love. My dad and my stepmom, I do believe, are in love. However, it is not the storybook love that you see in movies or some of the more romantic couples you know(my maternal grandparents for instance). I asked him if he loved her and he adamantly said yes and proceeded to define love. He told me assuredly that love is not something you fall into, but something you grow into. Love is not romance or spontaneity or lust, but a mutual dependency on each other.

Now, while I still have a lot to learn(as he makes sure to tell me every time we talk), I did not really agree with this. While I think dependency is important in a relationship, I don't think that defines love. For me, anyways. And when I started talking to him about it, I started realizing what I think love is. It's the sharing of a mutual definition of love. My dad and my stepmom, while neither is romantic or cares for it, really value dependency on the other. It seems to be the biggest factor keeping them together and they do seem happy. Now exactly how I define love is a little bit tricky, but I do have a little experience to base it on. 

The only girl that grabbed my heart was someone that challenged me. I am very firm in my beliefs, because I take a lot of time to go over them and don't jump to conclusions, but she always made me reconsider them. I don't know how she did it, if she lowered my defenses somehow or what, but she always made me think differently. This is completely consistent with what I value - constant growth and understanding. I think it is important for everyone(but me most importantly, because I do not wish to push my agenda on others) to constantly challenge themselves to grow. She did that to me, and I fell for it.

Now while nothing has ever really developed with her, I realized that is what drove me to her. She challenged me, she made me want to be better, to keep learning and to hear new ideas. I never knew before what it was that I wanted in a girl most, but now I feel like I do. And I think a girl will fall in love with me if she is looking to be challenged, because that is what I do with people that I love.

For you, it might be the romance. You might want to be constantly reminded in new and exciting ways how much your significant other loves you. Or you might fall for someone because they accept you for exactly who you are, no matter what you do, and they will always support you. Whatever it is, be it a shared obsession for plush toys or dependency, I feel that it has to be mutual. Your definition of love needs to match theirs, and then everything else can be forgotten.

I don't think hobbies or experiences, backgrounds or families should make a difference. It's personalities that determine how well two people work together, and the definitions are formulated through those personalities. There are probably some of you discounting my effort of defining love, that that kind of mystic attraction cannot be justified with words, but maybe that's your definition, so look for someone like that.

I likely have no idea what I am talking about. But I do know that those that I have talked to that are truly in love seem to have similar definitions of what love is. It's a trend, and my scientific side picked up on it and decided to make it a theorem. I apologize for "de-romancing" love for you, but remember, I felt it before, and I know it's not the easiest thing to understand. All of this can be garbage to me too on a given day, but this might help some of you with broken hearts. My ambitious side sure hopes so.